Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
