Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
