I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
