Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
