i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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