i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
