I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
