My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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