What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
