I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My penis needs a shock collar
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
