Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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