so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
