so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're like the curious george of whores
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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