I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
