She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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