So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
