Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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