I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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