So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
