my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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