Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
