Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
