Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
