So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
not ubering you a puppy
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