You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
