two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
