um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
