i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
