The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
