oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We need to get me chipped asap
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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