Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
