Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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