Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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