And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
