He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
