haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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