I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
