i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
