You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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