I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
