I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think i got beer on your cat.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
