Just cropdusted the office
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
