Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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