I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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