I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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