Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
