On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
