i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
