i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
