remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
